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Emotional
Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to recognize our own emotions and the emotions of others, to understand why those emotions are unfolding and what it all means, and to use the resulting insights to handle a situation (e.g., date) more effectively. Ok... so there's a little more to it than that, but we thought you'd appreciate the Cliff Notes version. EI is all about being smart in matters of the heart. So the next time you're wooing your latest love interest, resist the rush to action. Instead, turn on your emotional radar, and mind the following to chart the best course. It may take more effort, but we think you'll like the outcome.
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Build confidence
Dating confidence is a skill like any other, it can be learned and it needs practice. Whether you are just looking for a fun night out or desperately seeking Mr. or Mrs. Right, don't put a lot of pressure on the date. Go into the date thinking of yourself as a person that has a lot of confidence. We've all seen them, the person that sweeps into the room and turns heads even when they might not be the most attractive or best dressed. If you picture yourself as confident then you will act this way - even if you don't really feel it.
Be assertive
Being assertive means identifying your wishes and making them known. It is standing up for yourself - to the appropriate degree. When assertiveness is overdone, it is aggression. Aggression is an act against others. When you say or do something with the intent of hurting others or taking their rights away, it's an act of aggression. Examples of this are name-calling, manipulation, or controlling others through threats. When you deny your wishes in deference to someone else's, this is called passivity.
Start with small acts of assertiveness
As you begin to practice, choose low-risk situations that have high potential for success. Small achievements will build your confidence. For example, ask that annoying neighbor to turn down their music.
Make your words and body language consistent
When you are asserting yourself, you are much less likely to be successful if your body language is weak. Make eye contact with the person you are speaking to. Use a firm, confident, and appropriately loud tone of voice. Use body gestures. Match your expression to your message.
Show empathy
Empathy is one way to build rapport with your date. An effective way to show you are listening empathetically is to reflect or "mirror" the feelings behind the words you hear. Listening to feelings as well as words will help build a deeper bond between you and your date. Some examples of reflection or mirroring are: "I can see this is upsetting you," or "I sense this is difficult for you to talk about."
Ask yourself, "What's the worst realistic outcome?"
Fear of the unknown keeps many from asserting themselves. Don't let the fear of a highly unlikely outcome become an excuse for not asserting yourself. For example, if you respectfully tell your waiter you would like him to take back the inedible burrito he just served you, will he really spit in your food?
Avoid attributing failure to a deep-seated flaw in yourself
Undoubtedly, you've heard the saying, "it's not you, it's me". Do you attribute your failures to some internal character flaw, such as your incapacity to trust another person? This attribution is a cop-out and sets you up to lose every time. Be honest with yourself about what really happened. Take a more reasoned approach to analyzing the cause-effect relationships. For example, if the date didn't go well, explore possible causes that are within your control: "The date sucked because I was out partying until 4am the night before and I was too tired to make conversation."
Avoid blaming others and making excuses
Are your relationship failures always the result of someone or something else, beyond your control? If so, you have made yourself a victim. As long as the solution lies with someone or something else, you can't change anything. Think about some recent dates where things did not go your way. Ask yourself why this was. If you blamed something or someone else, ask yourself, "What could I have done to change the way things turned out?" Try to make a list of several things. Then, do them on your next date.
Model ethical behavior
The following checklist illustrates some of the ways you can do this on a date.
- Keep your promises (both the explicit and implicit ones)
- Encourage discussion of ethical considerations before decisions are made (e.g., when your grinding on the dance floor with your best friend's girl, discuss the implications of inviting her back to your crib for a nightcap.)
- Freely admit when you are wrong
- Stand up for what you believe is right
Assume your date's perspective
Objectively switching perspectives to see the world through your date's eyes can clue you in to how you may be coming across. If through her eyes you appear to be acting like an idiot, immediately switch to Plan B and repeat the process.
Observe a child
Children bounce back quickly from adversity. One strikeout on the baseball diamond does not discourage them for long. So, why should striking out with your date be any different? Children are accepting of mistakes and do not define themselves by them. Think about how can you adopt some of this "bounce back" spirit after a bad date.
Solicit feedback
Use DateRaters.com Multi-Dater FeedbackTM tool to collect feedback from people who you have dated, on a variety of relevant skills and capabilities. Upon receiving the results of your feedback, review your ratings and use them to identify the dating skills you do well as well as those that you will focus on for development. Resist the temptation to react to your feedback with defensiveness or blame.
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